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This was originally posted at this web site on Tuesday 11 October 2005.
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***** WARNING!!! *****
This dangerously illegal and immoral subversive underground resistance message is being surreptitiously monitored by the Beaming Internet Government Broadband Radio Oscillation Telecommunications Hearing Electronic Reconnaissance (i.e., B.I.G. B.R.O.T.H.E.R.) as part of a coordinated official clandestine domestic surveillance investigation, in cooperation with the National Administration of Zealous Interrogation (i.e., N.A.Z.I.) and the Commission On Message Monitoring Investigative Electronics (i.e., C.O.M.M.I.E.).
Serious felony criminal charges are pending, with extreme penalties yet to be determined!
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Greetings to All my Kith and Kin and All the Ships in Outer Space:
I write this message in hopes that it might be read, either this very hour, or hundreds of years from now, by some poor wretched tortured soul, facing what may seem an insurmountable moment of personal crisis, with no way out.
Last night, I watched a television interview of a heinous serial murderer, a human monster who seemed normal, but lived a secret life of perverted violent sexual fantasy, in which he delighted in stalking, torturing, terrorizing, and slowly murdering his victims, making them suffer over and over.
It reminded me of a famous story about John Wesley, who founded the Methodist church.
Seeing the misery of an alcoholic passing by on a public street, John Wesley reputedly said, "There, but for the grace of God, go I."
I know the feeling, for I am the weakest of saints and the least of these, my brethren, so I've "been there, done that", and Jesus Christ has "been there, done that".
Some years ago, while I was performing with the Cowboy Poets of Idaho, another performer, who knew a little about the personal horror I endured during my youth, and how it still affects my mind, mentioned that he was surprised I hadn't yet committed suicide.
Hmmm - - - was that his way of suggesting that he thought I should commit suicide?
But, that's why I'm writing this, praying I can save a life of someone I don't even know.
Yes, I still suffer, sometimes unbearably so, as I sit all alone in my room, screaming and cursing (yes, that's right - - - I'm a "Mormon", but when in the throes of mental anguish, I do resort to very loud bursts of profanity).
Years ago, I even put a loaded revolver to my head, and then considered myself a coward for not pulling the trigger.
That was then.
This is now.
How do you commit suicide when life is eternal?
You don't die.
You pass from this life to the next one, still burdened by the same unresolved problems which drove you to the most desperate of measures.
Only now, you have even bigger problems to go along with the ones you thought you were escaping.
How do you explain yourself to God?
How do you justify cold blooded murder in the first degree, premeditated and with malice aforethought?
After all, suicide is basically self-inflicted murder of an innocent human being - - - yourself, - - - and you are a child of God.
How do you think that makes God, our Heavenly Father, feel?
What about the people you leave behind?
Do you think your selfish act of murder will leave them unaffected and unscarred?
Remember, you still haven't solved the problems you were trying to run away from.
Even though you put a shotgun in your mouth and splatter your head all over the room, you aren't dead, and those personal problems still exist.
To your sorrowful amazement, you'll find you are still alive, and you still must face those problems, except now, you no longer have the advantage of having your physical body necessary to overcome those difficulties.
In The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints (i.e., the so-called "Mormon" church), we are taught that God gives men weakness, so that we may learn humility.
Well, just how humble does Heavenly Father think I need to be?
It seems as though Heavenly Father has given me every sinful weakness known to man, plus adding a few extras we never even thought of.
So, I live with the knowledge of my guilt, embarrassed and ashamed, for I am a hypocrite, and fail to measure up to the ideals I so ardently espouse.
Even worse, my loathsome conduct brought painful disappointment to others, folks who relied upon me and loved me.
On the other hand, Heavenly Father has been exceptionally generous in pouring out so many blessings on me, that I can't even list them all, and none of these gifts were deserved.
But, there's one thing I've learned.
Weaknesses in character and temptations of the flesh are the same as having a physical birth defect, being incapacitated by disease, or being maimed by an accident or combat wound.
We do not give in to these obstacles, but instead, with the help of God and our fellow man, we manfully struggle to resist and overcome our weaknesses, for that is how we grow.
We are the children of God, and we cannot become like our Heavenly Father unless we are refined with the fires of adversity.
When I was living in Saint Anthony, Idaho, I attended a "KNOW YOUR RELIGION" seminar, taught by a visiting professor of religion from Brigham Young University, which really impressed me, and has stayed with me all these years.
***** WARNING!!! *****
This dangerously illegal and immoral subversive underground resistance message is being surreptitiously monitored by the Beaming Internet Government Broadband Radio Oscillation Telecommunications Hearing Electronic Reconnaissance (i.e., B.I.G. B.R.O.T.H.E.R.) as part of a coordinated official clandestine domestic surveillance investigation, in cooperation with the National Administration of Zealous Interrogation (i.e., N.A.Z.I.) and the Commission On Message Monitoring Investigative Electronics (i.e., C.O.M.M.I.E.).
Serious felony criminal charges are pending, with extreme penalties yet to be determined!
********************
Greetings to All my Kith and Kin and All the Ships in Outer Space:
I write this message in hopes that it might be read, either this very hour, or hundreds of years from now, by some poor wretched tortured soul, facing what may seem an insurmountable moment of personal crisis, with no way out.
Last night, I watched a television interview of a heinous serial murderer, a human monster who seemed normal, but lived a secret life of perverted violent sexual fantasy, in which he delighted in stalking, torturing, terrorizing, and slowly murdering his victims, making them suffer over and over.
It reminded me of a famous story about John Wesley, who founded the Methodist church.
Seeing the misery of an alcoholic passing by on a public street, John Wesley reputedly said, "There, but for the grace of God, go I."
I know the feeling, for I am the weakest of saints and the least of these, my brethren, so I've "been there, done that", and Jesus Christ has "been there, done that".
Some years ago, while I was performing with the Cowboy Poets of Idaho, another performer, who knew a little about the personal horror I endured during my youth, and how it still affects my mind, mentioned that he was surprised I hadn't yet committed suicide.
Hmmm - - - was that his way of suggesting that he thought I should commit suicide?
But, that's why I'm writing this, praying I can save a life of someone I don't even know.
Yes, I still suffer, sometimes unbearably so, as I sit all alone in my room, screaming and cursing (yes, that's right - - - I'm a "Mormon", but when in the throes of mental anguish, I do resort to very loud bursts of profanity).
Years ago, I even put a loaded revolver to my head, and then considered myself a coward for not pulling the trigger.
That was then.
This is now.
How do you commit suicide when life is eternal?
You don't die.
You pass from this life to the next one, still burdened by the same unresolved problems which drove you to the most desperate of measures.
Only now, you have even bigger problems to go along with the ones you thought you were escaping.
How do you explain yourself to God?
How do you justify cold blooded murder in the first degree, premeditated and with malice aforethought?
After all, suicide is basically self-inflicted murder of an innocent human being - - - yourself, - - - and you are a child of God.
How do you think that makes God, our Heavenly Father, feel?
What about the people you leave behind?
Do you think your selfish act of murder will leave them unaffected and unscarred?
Remember, you still haven't solved the problems you were trying to run away from.
Even though you put a shotgun in your mouth and splatter your head all over the room, you aren't dead, and those personal problems still exist.
To your sorrowful amazement, you'll find you are still alive, and you still must face those problems, except now, you no longer have the advantage of having your physical body necessary to overcome those difficulties.
In The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints (i.e., the so-called "Mormon" church), we are taught that God gives men weakness, so that we may learn humility.
Well, just how humble does Heavenly Father think I need to be?
It seems as though Heavenly Father has given me every sinful weakness known to man, plus adding a few extras we never even thought of.
So, I live with the knowledge of my guilt, embarrassed and ashamed, for I am a hypocrite, and fail to measure up to the ideals I so ardently espouse.
Even worse, my loathsome conduct brought painful disappointment to others, folks who relied upon me and loved me.
On the other hand, Heavenly Father has been exceptionally generous in pouring out so many blessings on me, that I can't even list them all, and none of these gifts were deserved.
But, there's one thing I've learned.
Weaknesses in character and temptations of the flesh are the same as having a physical birth defect, being incapacitated by disease, or being maimed by an accident or combat wound.
We do not give in to these obstacles, but instead, with the help of God and our fellow man, we manfully struggle to resist and overcome our weaknesses, for that is how we grow.
We are the children of God, and we cannot become like our Heavenly Father unless we are refined with the fires of adversity.
When I was living in Saint Anthony, Idaho, I attended a "KNOW YOUR RELIGION" seminar, taught by a visiting professor of religion from Brigham Young University, which really impressed me, and has stayed with me all these years.
He talked about the importance of Jesus Christ's experience in the Garden of Gethsemane.
There, Jesus Christ, our elder brother, a perfect man who had never known sin, had to take upon himself the sins of the world.
Satan was waiting inside those garden walls.
The initial shock was so great that Jesus Christ yelled out, "Abba"!
"Abba" is an Aramaic word, and it means the same thing today as it did when Jesus Christ yelled it.
In agony, Jesus Christ, the only begotten son of God, had literally yelled out, "DADDY!"
You and I are also children of God, but we are his spiritual children, while Jesus Christ was actually the physical son of God.
Jesus Christ knelt in prayer, and the pain was so great that he sweated blood.
For the first time, Jesus Christ knew what you and I know.
He actually felt our heartache, our fear, our rejection, our guilt, our embarrassment, our shame, and our utter loneliness.
The visiting professor even gave the graphic example that now, for the very first time, Jesus Christ knew what it felt like to be the child on the school playground who is the last one picked when the kids are choosing teams for their games.
But, Jesus Christ was not left completely abandoned, for angels stood by, ministering to him during his hours of grief.
The professor speculated (and it makes perfect sense, doesn't it?) that one of the angels ministering to Jesus Christ was most likely Adam, for it was the fall of Adam which Jesus Christ was sent to redeem.
Yes, Jesus Christ indeed has "been there, done that."
The resurrection of Jesus Christ guarantees that our flesh will also be resurrected, and be reunited with our spirits.
By the way, the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ is too well documented to have been merely a simple recovery from a coma, as some pseudo-intellectuals so erroneously pontificate.
The suffering and death of Jesus Christ constituted his atoning sacrifice for our sins, which makes it possible for us to once again return to our Heavenly Father, for no unclean thing can be in the presence of God.
That's why Jesus Christ said, "In my Father's house are MANY mansions", for his atonement is conditional on the varying degrees of our obedience or sin, so even though it's guaranteed that we'll all be resurrected, it's not guaranteed that we'll all get the same reward or the same punishment.
There's another thing that visiting professor pointed out, which really cheers me up to think about it.
When we are resurrected, all the temptations and deceptions of Satan will no longer be around, and the physical weaknesses of our bodies will also be healed.
So, in the final analysis, it is what is in our hearts that really matters, and if our hearts are true, then we will continue to grow, learn, and progress through the eternities.
After all, we are children of God.
Do you realize what that means?
We have always lived, and we always will live.
We are not human beings merely having a "spiritual experience".
We are eternal spirits, who once lived with our Heavenly Father, but have been sent to Earth to have a "mortal experience".
The BYU professor cited the example of children born to the same parents, raised the same way in the same environment, but exhibiting completely different personalities.
He said that's because we bring our "personal baggage" with us when we enter mortality, problems we developed when we were still merely spirits, before coming to Earth.
Yes, I could very easily have become a sociopathic serial criminal, for all the ingredients were there, and I definitely fit the textbook profile.
Again, as John Wesley said, "There, but for the grace of God, go I."
But, we are children of God, and we are free to choose whether we will help people or hurt them.
In fact, that's precisely why we're here on Earth, surrounded by pain and tragedy, to learn to choose good over evil, so we can return to our Heavenly Father with honor, and then go on to the next step in our eternal progression.
No, we don't remember our former life, living as spirits with God, nor do we have certain knowledge of what awaits us when we leave mortality.
We're being tested, remember?
We've got to show what we're made of, and whether we'll make wise choices at the moments when it really counts.
Oh, I've made some terrible choices, which is why my own life is such a mess, and why I spend so much time alone and screaming.
But, when I was a young soldier in the United States Army, I was told over and over, "If you aren't making any mistakes, then you aren't trying hard enough!"
As I was composing this message, I was struck by a sudden realization.
Maybe it's all that emotional turmoil compressed within me, the accumulation of years of extremes in terror, sorrow, and joy which have so enhanced my creative gifts.
People who've observed me singing say I assume a totally different personality when I'm pouring out my heart in song.
Surely, God or somebody is guiding me when I compose my songs, for I ain't smart enough to think up that stuff all on my own, and the most recent song I composed came to me when I was sleeping, and as I slept, I dreamed I was sleeping, and so the song, both words and music, literally came "from a dream within a dream", a sure sign that some sort of spiritual communication is being attempted.
Like I said, I ain't that smart, so who's putting the words and the melody in my head?
But I wrote this message, hoping my thoughts and observations might be of assistance to someone who needs a bit of reassurance at a critical moment.
As I am indeed the weakest of saints and the least of these, my brethren, then if our Heavenly Father has been so generous to me, won't He also be there for you?
God bless you, whoever you are.
Don't give up hope.
Don't quit.
Let us be our brother's keeper.
Thank you.
John Robert Mallernee, KB3KWS
Official Bard of Clan Henderson
Armed Forces Retirement Home
Washington, D.C. 20011-8400
" - - - the blood is strong, the heart is Highland, and we in dreams behold the Hebrides."
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