Breaking News!!!

***** WARNING!!! ***** This dangerously illegal and immoral subversive underground resistance message is being surreptitiously monitored by the Beaming Internet Government Broadband Radio Oscillation Telecommunications Hearing Electronic Reconnaissance (i.e., B.I.G. B.R.O.T.H.E.R.) as part of a coordinated official clandestine domestic surveillance investigation, in cooperation with the National Administration of Zealous Interrogation (i.e., N.A.Z.I.) and the Commission On Message Monitoring Investigative Electronics (i.e., C.O.M.M.I.E.). Serious felony criminal charges are pending, with extreme penalties yet to be determined! ******************** Greetings and Salutations to All my Kith and Kin and All the Ships in Outer Space: A really terrible catastrophe has occurred! Just now, I was driving my pickup truck around the grounds of the Old Soldiers' Home. As I circled around the statue of General Winfield Scott, I casually glanced towards downtown Washington, D.C. I was unable to see the Capitol dome or the Washington Monument. All I could see was tall, green, leafy trees. Do you realize what that means? Terrorists have finally succeeded in totally destroying the nation's capital! There's nothing left but lots and lots of trees, as far as you can see (which, because of the thick, lush foliage, ain't very far). As I drove past the vegetable gardens, I saw a tremendous gaggle of geese, busily feasting. Do you know what that means? Obviously, no one survived the terrorist attack, for if there had been any survivors, then human beings would be feasting on roast goose, wouldn't they? I certainly would enjoy a nice plump roast goose for Christmas dinner, especially since the Twenty-Fifth is only three weeks from today! By the way, do you realize that Friday the Thirteenth comes on a Saturday this month? I wonder why the regular mainstream news media is not reporting any of this? Maybe, it's all part of the latest government conspiracy. They are everywhere, you know, and they have all sorts of secret tricks, such as using your television to transmit coded messages to your brain. That's how I became a serial killer. I couldn't help myself. At the mess hall, I went through the chow line, and when I saw that oatmeal, I just HAD to have it! Actually, my favorite cereal is a hot, steaming bowl of cream of wheat, sweetened with brown sugar, but the mess hall only serves cream of wheat on Wednesdays and Saturdays. The voices in my head warned me I was already much too fat. But, the voices in my stomach demanded doughnuts. Alas, the doughnuts won the fight, and afterwards, I waddled on out of the mess hall. Since the regular mainstream news media can't be trusted, I'm leaving it up to you to continue circulating this rumor. Thank you. John Robert Mallernee Official Bard of Clan Henderson Armed Forces Retirement Home Washington, D.C. 20011-8400 NOTE: "My unpopular and controversial personal opinions are independent of my Scottish clan."