This dangerously illegal and immoral subversive underground resistance message is being surreptitiously monitored by the Beaming Internet Government Broadband Radio Oscillation Telecommunications Hearing Electronic Reconnaissance (i.e., B.I.G. B.R.O.T.H.E.R.) as part of a coordinated official clandestine domestic surveillance investigation, in cooperation with the National Administration of Zealous Interrogation (i.e., N.A.Z.I.) and the Commission On Message Monitoring Investigative Electronics (i.e., C.O.M.M.I.E.).
Serious felony criminal charges are pending, with extreme penalties yet to be determined!
Greetings and Salutations to All my Kith and Kin and All the Ships in Outer Space:
Okay, Folks, I want some answers, and I want them NOW!!!
Do you realize that it's the middle of the night?
I'm wide awake and YOU are sound asleep.
What's wrong with this picture?
Why are YOU sleeping when I am awake?
Why aren't the stores open for business?
Why are all the offices closed?
Why isn't the staff on duty?
Where did everybody go?
I want to know why I'm the ONLY person in this whole wide world who's awake at this hour?
Now, pile out of that rack and start doing something!
Morning starts at Oh Dark Thirty Hours, and your day shouldn't end until well after Darkteen Thirty Hours.
Of course, having been forced into retirement by our government, as soon as it's daylight, I'm hitting the rack.
You can call me on the telephone, but I won't hear it, because I leave the ringer turned off.
Ain't my life wonderfully envious?
Goof around all night long, and sleep the whole day through.
Actually, I've got several important things I need to do tomorrow, but by the time tomorrow gets here, I will have forgotten whatever it was I was supposed to take care of.
So, I'll pop some pills, hit the rack, and snooze the day away.
The reason I was going to call you in the middle of the night and wake you out of your sound sleep was because, a while ago, I was getting a snack from my little refrigerator, and it reminded me of happier bygone days as a young soldier in Germany.
It's Germany's version of an American hot dog, only it's a LOT better!
The mustard is incredibly spicy and tasty, far better than anything we have in the States.
But, I wish I'd been smarter, snapped more pictures, and collected more souvenirs.
I also learned a harsh lesson, that when taking pictures of your comrades, you need to write down their names, home towns, dates, locations, and explanations, because over time, your memory DOES fade away quite tragically.
That was the enjoyable part of Army life, being able to travel to all of the foreign countries, have adventures, and still manage to SURVIVE to tell tall tales.
It kind of balances out against all those long hours of pulling KP duty, scrubbing latrines, painting walls, and other sundry dirty details done by dumb privates in the United States Army, who are seriously afflicted with the terminal handicap of having both a quick temper and a loud mouth, such as was all too frequently possessed and prominently exhibited by yours truly.
If I'd been a civilian, there's no way I would ever have had enough money to pay for all those plane tickets.
Oh yes, and impressing girls with my snazzy dress green uniform, just back from the war, with all my ribbons and my combat patch!
THAT sure makes it all worth it!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
I wish I had one with me right now.
So, what if I'm an old geezer?
I'm still a guy, and I ain't quite dead yet.
Even though I'm now an ordinary civilian, there's a great benefit of being a disabled war veteran.
On holidays, I can wear my medals with my Scottish tartan kilt.
Now, you just KNOW that looks REALLY sharp!
Nobody in the world is quite as fiercely military looking as a Highlander when he's properly attired in full regalia.
Not only that, but I think wearing kilts is gradually becoming more and more popular in America, don't you?
After all, I read somewhere that it's estimated that upwards of eighty percent of Americans have Scottish or Celtic ancestry, and all of us guys like appearing to be somewhat dangerously savage.
Maybe, that's also why we citizens in the United States of America are even now teetering on the eve of a bloody all out armed revolt to seize control of our government, because historically, Scots and Celts are warriors by nature, and will not long endure the despotism of oppressive tyrants.
Please excuse me for a second while I get rid of this bunch of FBI agents who keep pounding impatiently on my door.
Why all the stubby little machineguns, Guys?
Okay, Folks, I want you to wake up now, and stay awake, because there's still several hours of night left to kill.