MEDICAL REPORT

********************************** ********************************** Greetings and Salutations to All my Kith and Kin and All the Ships in Outer Space: I have both good news and bad news. As some of you may be aware, I've very recently been suffering some inexplicable physical anomalies which have required numerous medical tests at the local Veterans Administration Gulf Coast Veterans Health Care System (What a name for a hospital, huh?) in Biloxi, Mississippi. My assigned primary care physician, Dr. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce of Crabapple Cove, Maine (formerly of the 4077th M*A*S*H in the Republic of Korea) referred me to a surgeon for further evaluation, which is where I was all day long today. At the present time, the tumor on my right adrenal gland is too small to justify surgery, but more laboratory tests are necessary. Apparently, most of my symptoms are due to my injured back, for which nothing can be done. Anyway, that was the GOOD news. The bad news is that I've lost my mind, and require a brain transplant. I've personally conducted an extensive search, hither and yon, up, down, and all around, inside and out, but alas, I can't find my lost mind anywhere. Ah, alas, alas, - - - but, I do not have a lass! The surgeon has determined that the most compatible brain donor would be a mule or a pig, because it is strongly suspected that I might be either/and/or mule headed and/or pig brained. A previous brain transplant required the donation of only half a brain, and it came from a donor who was physically handicapped. That explains why I'm a half-wit with lame-brained ideas. Nifty, huh? Heh! Heh! Heh! Yuk! Yuk! Thank you. John Robert Mallernee  Armed Forces Retirement Home  1800 Beach Drive, Unit 311  Gulfport, Mississippi  39507 ********************************** **********************************