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Wednesday, May 08, 2013


Greetings and Salutations to All my Kith and Kin and All the Ships in Outer Space:

I've been thinking (something which is ALWAYS a very dangerous thing for ME to do, huh?), and I've decided that I'd like to get rich quick by becoming a master criminal.

As we all know, crime pays. 

My television told ME so, and of course, if'n it's on television, then it MUST be true, because television wouldn't lie, would it? 

Them there killjoys who say, "Crime doesn't pay", are just picking on me, and trying to keep ME from getting rich.

I know ALL about that!

It's a secret conspiracy.

They're against ME.

Everybody's against ME.

They're ALWAYS against ME.

They're spying on ME.

They're plotting against ME.

I know what they're thinking.

I know what they're saying behind my back.

(Sob, sob, snivel, whine.)

But, I'll show THEM!

I'm gonna get EVEN with all of them, that's what I'm gonna do!

You just wait and see if I don't!

Anyway, after spending many long hours stimulating my intellect by watching television shows, I reckon I might have a plan.

Now, as for my life of crime - - - ,

Hmmmmm - - - , let's see - - - ,

What about blackmailing someone?

That's a grrrr-REAT idea!

But, unfortunately for ME, I run with the wrong crowd.

I simply don't know anybody who's done something wrong and/or embarrassing which would make them vulnerable to blackmail.

All the folks I know are as honest, moral, upright, squeaky clean, and downright GOOD as a Boy Scout.

Not only that, but inevitably, their victims end up eventually killing the blackmailer, rather than having to continue forking over all of their life's savings.

Well, what about counterfeiting?

That should be a pretty easy crime to commit, shouldn't it?

After all, all I would have to do is use my computer to copy a twenty dollar bill, and then print out a couple of gazillion copies.

Oh, wait - - - ,

The federal government is ALREADY doing that.

That's why the dollar has become worthless, and our national economy is collapsing.

Shucky darn, I reckon I'll have to think of something else.

Hmmmmmm - - - ,

I've got it!

I'll get rich selling military secrets to the enemy!

But, WHICH enemy?

There's so many out there, it would be hard to choose.

Besides, I doubt they'd be willing to pay for any "secret" (?) information about the Armed Forces Retirement Home.

Gosh, gee whillikers, what kind of crime can I commit that'll make ME rich, and won't get me killed in the process?

Suggestions, anyone?

Ooooooh, look at the TIME!

It's already time for me to take my medication again. 

Thank you. 

John Robert Mallernee 
Armed Forces Retirement Home 
1800 Beach Drive, Unit 311 
Gulfport, Mississippi  39507


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