SOMETHING I JUST NOW LEARNED - - -

Greetings and Salutations to All my Kith and Kin and All the Ships in Outer Space: I just now learned at an Internet web site something that you folks might find useful. Have you ever heard of "Cooler Corn"? I never have. But, apparently, it's quite common among the folks who live in Maine. When you're having a big ol' backyard barbecue, you just take a big ol' Coleman cooler, clean it out, and then fill it full of shucked ears of corn. Then, you add a couple of kettles of boiling hot water, shut the lid, and after about thirty minutes or so, you've got a nice big pile of steaming, delicious corn on the cob for all of your party guests. Here on the Gulf Coast of Mississippi, Winter has finally arrived. We're currently bundled up and shivering in temperatures below eighty degrees. (Okay, I'm joking, but a very unusual cold North wind has arrived EARLY this year in Mississippi!) Actually, I do wear my "ARMY" hoodie pullover, but it's because of the air conditioning in my room. I like my room cool. I like having an extra blanket on my bed. Seriously, though, do you think the Small Business Administration would be willing to guarantee a bank loaning me several million dollars? I want to open a ski resort in the snow capped mountains of southern Mississippi, which will accommodate local mountain climbers and skiers. Do you know of anyone who has recently conquered the summit of Mount Gulfport? As more and more ice is forming in the Gulf of Mexico, I'm looking forward to going ice fishing, and maybe doing some snowmobiling on our local beach. But, I'll need to take a large calibre rifle with me, in case a polar bear attacks. The Coast Guard needs to begin patrolling the Gulf in order to report the location of icebergs and ice floes. I wonder if I can get a part time job driving a snowplow here on the Gulf Coast? Did you know there were pirates and enemy submarines lurking in the shallows of the Mississippi Sound? Hey, guess what? Here at the Armed Forces Retirement Home, they've provided us with a car wash! Ain't that neat? I used it yesterday to hose off my pickup truck. They provide us with an underground garage to park our vehicles in, but birds love that garage, and they leave their droppings all over our vehicles. That reminds me - - - , Now that Winter is here, I need to get snow chains for my truck. I'm getting sicker and weaker every day, and my health is really going downhill fast. Of course, it's my own fault. I rarely leave my room, I never exercise, and I constantly gorge myself exclusively on greasy junk food. This change in the weather has caused my arthritis to flare up, making it difficult to play my guitar, and the pain in my back makes it increasingly difficult to stand or walk. That's why in the last several videos I've recorded, I've been sitting down instead of standing up to play my guitar and sing. I reckon when we were young, none of us EVER thought we'd wind up being old, sick, and in pain - - - , and that it would be our NORMAL condition - - - permanently! Did those thoughts ever cross your mind when you were young? Being an old geezer is lonely, and it ain't no fun. I miss being young. I miss being a soldier. I miss dating and wooing young, attractive females. Yes, I'm old, but, I'm still a guy. I can only sing a few songs before I start coughing and have to quit. The coughing makes me dizzy. Thus, it's becoming difficult for me to record songs on video for the Internet. So, if you've seen my songs on the Internet, that might be all there is. We'll just have to wait and see. If I can make it until next Spring, I plan to hit the road with my pickup truck, and just wander. I think I'm a lot healthier and happier when I'm on the road, and camping out. I need to buy some fishing gear. I want to get back out West, up into the "high lonesome", with the Mormons, the cowboys, the Indians, the outlaws, and the mountain men. I want the security of regularly wearing my loaded revolver without people around me getting all panicky - - - which is what generally happens here in the congested, overly regulated East. A simple thing, really, but most folks around here just don't seem to get it. Maybe I can go help patrol the Mexican Border? Or the Canadian Border? Well, it's the middle of the night, and I'm wide awake. This is normal for me, staying awake all night, and sleeping throughout the day. If I take a bunch of pills, I'll become intoxicated and after hours of tossing and turning, eventually fall asleep. When I finally do fall asleep, boy, do I REALLY zonk out! But, I hate taking those pills. When I take them, I can't wake up the next day. Mox nix. Xin loi. Thank you. John Robert Mallernee Offical Bard of Clan Henderson Armed Forces Retirement Home Gulfport, Mississippi  39507 NOTE: "My unpopular and controversial personal opinions do not represent my Scottish clan."