Christmas In My Room

Greetings and Salutations to All my Kith and Kin and All the Ships in Outer Space: Well, I tried and tried to restrain myself, but finally, I just couldn't wait any longer. I put up my Christmas tree! It's a three foot tall revolving fiber optic Christmas tree, and I added some decorations left over from miniature artificial trees I had in past years. The lights sparkle, change colors, and brighten and fade, all as the tree turns 'round and 'round and 'round. On my twenty-seven inch LCD wide screen high definition television, I have a perpetual crackling fireplace, which I created by copying part of a fireplace DVD into the hard drive of my notebook computer, which is connected to my television. At the same time, my computer also plays Christmas music in the background. I tried to take a photograph, but the crackling fireplace won't appear on my digital camera. All you can see is just a bright white screen on the television. I wonder why the fireplace won't show up in the camera? My aquarium screen saver showed up in another photo, so why not the fireplace? Maybe it has something to do with imaging resolution? While my television is high definition, the fireplace DVD, which I bought at Wal-Mart, is not. Anyway, I hung my big green Christmas stocking on the wall. My gray, nearly white, whiskers have grown out, because I just love the reaction when wee tykes see me. Actually, I wish I could lose a couple of hundred pounds, but the obesity does help to enhance my image in the eyes of innocent little ones. I searched the Internet and printed a nice copy of General Anthony McAuliffe's historic letter written at Christmas of 1944 to the men of the 101st Airborne Division at Bastogne, Belgium, and posted it conspicuously on the wall outside the door of my room. So, now, I'm all set for Christmas! Nifty, huh? It's too bad my Teddy bear died, because he was always a nice Christmas decoration, as I'd set him next to the Christmas tree, with my Santa Claus cap perched atop his head. Theodore Edward Bair (i.e. "Ted E. Bair", the Teddy bear) was decapitated when the stitches came undone around his neck. I'd had him in my employ for a number of years, and he'd travel wherever I went, a personal bodyguard always totally dedicated to ensuring my safety. I can't remember a single night when Ted E. Bair wasn't wide awake, perpetually on guard duty. Well, it's only two more days, and I'll be in Alexandria, Virginia, attired in my kilt, medals, and sword, as I march along with my clan in the annual Scottish Christmas Walk. That night, my clan will have a ceilidh, which I wouldn't miss for anything! Let's hope I don't get sick between now and then, because I sure don't want to miss out on the biggest and most bodacious Scottish event of the entire year. Gosh, gee whillikers, I sure wish you folks could see my Christmas tree and my crackling fireplace. Boy, oh boy, oh boy, I love it! But, the camera won't show the fireplace. I hadn't been outside of my room for several days, and when I walked over to the mess hall for supper, I noticed the outside Christmas decorations here at the Soldiers' Home have been put up and are now lit. The old Christmas tree that stood in front of the historic Sherman Building is long gone, having been cut down, although I don't know why the administration did that. But, there's still a nice creche displayed on the lawn, and a large menorah over on one side. There's a humongous Christmas tree in our mess hall, which isn't lit yet. The official Soldiers' Home tree lighting ceremony will be Tuesday night. I still haven't decided if I'll bother participating, even though I have started practicing my repertoire of Christmas songs. With my theatrical background, I'm rather disillusioned and discouraged by the lacadaisacal irresponsibility constantly exhibited by the administrative staff here at the Ol' Soldiers' Home. My sister, Suzy, in Winsor, Virginia has invited me to her house for Christmas, which I'm definitely looking forward to. My great nephews live there, and after all, what's Christmas without the wondering excitement of small children? I hope your Christmas is as much fun as mine is. Thank you. John Robert Mallernee, KB3KWS Official Bard of Clan Henderson Armed Forces Retirement Home Washington, D.C. 20011-8400 NOTE: "My unpopular and controversial personal opinions are independent of my Scottish clan."