Greetings and Salutations to All my Kith and Kin and All the Ships in Outer Space:
It's almost NEW YEAR'S EVE ! ! !
I just now had a BRILLIANTLY psychotic idea!
In anticipation of Christmas, I spent several months growing these whiskers, so I could look like Santa Claus.
Don't you reckon it would be a downright dirty shame if I didn't get at least one more really good use out of it before I trim it?
Well, next Monday night is NEW YEAR'S EVE, and as you might have guessed, there'll be a DANCE in the Community Center Room here at the Armed Forces Retirement Home in Gulfport, Mississippi, from 1930 Hours until 2330 Hours.
So, here's my desperately urgent, time sensitive appeal to you (and/or whoever).
I need a baby, a genuine kicking, squalling, naked, hooman bean baby.
I'm thinking I could put on my big ol' bathrobe, which reaches clear to the floor, and at some point, unannounced, hobble painfully into the dance, repeatedly glancing at the open pocket watch I'd be holding in one hand, while using my other hand to hold my great big wooden walking stick (which Highlanders call a "cromach") for support.
Naturally, that's not appropriate attire for the dance, so everybody would be hootin' and hollerin' and demanding I leave - - - IMMEDIATELY!
Well, along about that time, here would come proud Mama (whoever she might be) showing off that alternately frightened and/or curious newborn hooman bean.
Why, I reckon the crowd would figure that out, and just go plumb wild, don't you?
Also, it being New Year's Eve, I desperately need a large glass ball (or some other equally dangerously heavy and easily smashable object) to drop from my seventh floor balcony, where I plan to watch the distant fireworks being set off along the beach by the casinos in Biloxi.
So, do you have a BABY lying around, handy?
Can you e-mail the messy, bawling critter, or maybe have it delivered by parachute from a passing United States Air Force C-130 "Hercules" aircraft?
We've got to have it here pretty darn quick.
We'll only need the wee bairn for just a very few minutes of utter pandemonium and holy terror.
Afterwards, the thoroughly traumatized hooman bean offspring can be discarded - - - or whatever.
There's plenty of nearby bayous with bunches of loose alligators.
Thank you, and - - - ,
NOLLAIG CHRIDHEIL AGUS BLIADHNA MHATH UR ! ! !
(Pronounced, "Nol-leek Kree-yell ah-gus Blee-ah-nah Vah Oor", that is Scottish Gaelic, literally meaning, "Christmas Hearty and Year Good New!")
John Robert Mallernee
Armed Forces Retirement Home
1800 Beach Drive, Unit 311